Before I introduce you to my silly-simple, once-you-know-you-can’t-not-know-it, definition of “love,” I wanna stress that knowing this has only made finding love, and fully loving myself, that much more challenging, and so much more annoying when I find that it’s obviously lacking. And awaaaaaaay we go!
Learn How To Master Your Emotional Expression As Well As You Manage Irritable Bowels (AKA, My 6-Step Plan For Managing Power Shits – I Mean, Emotional Diarrhea)
Self-love training is a lot like potty training. Sure, you can go full Tarzan and run shit-caked through the jungles, letting your stank ass reek up a five-mile radius. Or, orrrrrrr, you can properly learn how to clean yourself up like a grown-ass human. The same goes for emotional regulation. You can either swing out of control like a vine-hopping Tarzan, or you can learn how to tame your strange with some pretty simple steps for properly managing your emotional needs.
4 Psychological Clarifiers That’ll Increase Your Self-Awareness By 100 Mana, Or Whatever Incremental Measurement You Use To Gauge Your Health Points
Before you continue rampaging through life like an out of control hippo on a quest to kill every croc that’s ever crossed its path, I implore you to take a look at these four psychological clarifiers to see if you can sort out why your inner hippo wants to go ham in the first place, anytime it sees green.
Why I Don’t Subscribe To “Coincidences” Even Though Doing So Would Probably Rid Me Of Heartbreak, Anguish & Spiritual Frustrations The Meltdowns Of Which Rival Any Toddler’s Tantrum
Because I’m a spooky weirdo whose been reading tarot cards for all the lifetimes, I’ve seen way too many synchronicities to insult destiny by writing off energetic alignments as “coincidences”. But wait! There’s more… One of my favorite ways to look at synchronicity is to consider hurricane season. As humans, we tend to perceive it as a seasonal occurrence, something that happens because of temperature build up, wind streams, etc. BUT, have you ever stopped to consider the fact that it’s actually happening as a ripple effect of the astroid that took out the dinosaurs? Because I have. I think about it all the time.
How I Turn Tarot Reading From Spiritual Hokery To Psych Therapy Without Summoning 666 Casper’s To Fuck Up My Vibe. Gasp About It, Why Don’t You *insert eye roll of no-shits-given*
You know about tarot cards, right? What’ve you been living under a rock?! Of course you know about tarot cards. But what you’ve probably been exposed to is a bunch of spiritual fuckery that presents as “witch-bitch Betty” parading about like she owns the afterlife and all its sordid residents, talking to “spirit” on YouTube while she tells you if/when you’ll ever meet your “twin flame/soulmate/hokey-pokey-true love” but only AFTER you buy 3 love spells, 6 private readings, and at least 10 homemade candles that are really bulk-buys at a Dollar Tree but shhhhhhhh about all that or you’ll spoil her profit margin. Ahhh, witch-bitch Betty. Now where was I…
Ditch The Woke-ster Gurus & The 20-Something Year-Old Life Coaches. It’s Time To Awaken Your Inner Mastermind For Curing Your Mind, Body, Soul & Cake *cue visceral panic at your spiritual disco*
That’s right, kitten. You’re free! Free from fake spiritualism that masquerades as potent alchemical sorcery, the kind of stuff you can only master through enough ayahuasca trips to sedate a bull elephant and enough fart inhalation to drown a skunk. Free from the fear, the shame, the shams, scams, and “you’re doing it all wrong, ma’am”-s that the self-help community keeps parading about as honesty when REALLY, it’s toxic snake-oil-salesmanship that I’ll have none of, NONE OF!
If We’re All Players In A Video Game Simulation…If We’re Connected To All Iterations Of Ourselves Across Parallel Universes…If God Is A Human Child Sitting In The Lotus Position On A Yoga Mat In A Renovated Warehouse In Seattle Surrounded By Farting Bros With Man-Buns…Oh Wait, I’ve Gone Crosseyed
Set down your pitch forks, torches, and buckets of tar and let me spit some strange at ya for a second. WE DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE REALITY OF OUR EXISTENCE. Period. Like, all the periods. So many periods, there ain’t enough bleach in the world, number of periods, ya feel me? Oh. You’re about to feel me…
For The Never-Ending Love of YOU (& If That Doesn’t Do It Then Certainly The Love of Cheese Just Might!), It’s Time To Embrace Your Strange & Glow TF Up Already!
Fuck the free world and all its’ needs. YOU need you to shine brighter than all the parallel universe Beyonce’s combined into one mega-Yonce more than anyone else out there squawking the narrative that “the world needs you”! I assure you, it doesn’t. The world is doing just fine without you. BUT…how you doin’, babe? *say it in your best fuck-boy Joey voice or it doesn’t count*