Here's what I know to be true, despite OOOH how I wish it wasn't: in my 36 years of life (as of 2023), I've yet to meet anyone who has provided me with a more solid definition of what "love" is other than the one I've philosophized on my own.
Much like the conversation around "what is a woman" these days, it seems humanity is trying desperately to sort out the proper definition of various phrases we previously thought we understood.
*Spoiler alert: I DO have ideas about what characteristics classify a 'woman' and I will NOT be going into them during this post. Not my battlefield, not my ammo.*
Humble brag, but in the last 12 years I've curated a lifestyle for myself where I've had more than enough free time to work on things like: my mental health, writing philosophy until the wee hours of daybreak by the light of too many candlesticks, various DIY hobbies like sewing and crochet (you bet your sweet ass I can create my own bathing suits out of yarn and nylon biiiiiiiiiish), and other such goof-abouts that've turned me into the extraordinary unicorn I am today.
Blessings be to 20-something year old me who decided to flip off the free world and pursue a life less traveled. But I digress...
Before I introduce you to my silly-simple, once-you-know-it-you-can't-not-know-it, definition of "love" I wanna stress that knowing this has only made finding love that much more challenging, as well as so much more annoying when I find that it's obviously lacking.
I warn you now: the more you know, means the more you have to apply what you know.
Because once YOU KNOW what the meaning of love truly is, you'll then be stuck with me on a flailing raft of expectation in the middle of an open ocean of "oh shit, so this is love and it actually IS hard work...fuuuuuuuuuuck."
It's good to have friends when you're drowning.
And AWAAAAAAAY we go!
Someone once told me that I didn't know what love was.
And because I'm me, I took that accusation quite seriously.
I proceeded to spend the next 10 years researching about love, writing about love, pondering what I perceived to be the appropriate style of giving and receiving love - not just for what I perceived to be "good love," but what a wide variety of people out there think qualifies as "good love". What can I say? I'm quite inclusive.
I did all of this in the hopes that maybe if I could understand what "true love" actually is, then I could not only start offering it to the people I love most, but I could also recognize when someone loves me in return.
Because let me be clear: I'm as gullible as they come. And I'm working on it, Betty, CALM DOWN!
In my gullibility, however, I've fallen for a lot of people who've clearly expressed and/or vaguely demonstrated that they "love" me, just to find out that they don't actually love me.
But how could I know KNOW if I didn't know what "love" is???
And so, my quest began...and like most quests, mine began at the beginning, where, in this instance, I found myself nose-deep in dictionaries where people I had THOUGHT were much wiser than me had developed various definitions that would surely give me an ah-hah moment on the meaning, much less the demonstration, of true love.
Alas, I present you with five of the most common definitions for "love":
DEFINITION #1) Love /lʌv/ noun: an intense feeling of deep affection.
DEFINITION #2) Love /lʌv/ noun: a great interest and pleasure in something.
DEFINITION #3) Love /lʌv/ verb: like or enjoy very much.
DEFINITION #4) Love /lʌv/ noun: a feeling of deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone.
DEFINITION #5) Love /lʌv/ noun: (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero.
*Cue epic, elongated, 15-minute long AT LEAST, eye roll of shame.*
Definition #5 is a gatdamned sports reference, so I shoved that aside with the same amount of gusto that I might push over a cow. Mind you, I'm not saying I'd succeed in pushing over said cow, just that I'd attempt to do so with a lot of force.
Definition #4 labels "love" as being romantic or sexual.
*Ummm, HELLO?! Are you there dictionary masters??? It's me, Tiffa. And I just wanna say that PARENTS - who should in fact love their own children - shouldn't in any way love their children with romantic or sexual affection. I believe that definition #4 belongs under the "oops, I've exposed myself as a pedophilia" category for whomever penned it. Ahh, thank you.*
Definition #3 is how I feel about cheesecake.
And definition #2 is how I feel about LSD.
The only definition on this list that comes close to defining "love" is the first one, but still...how could I justify someone that feels deep affection for me, or me for them, but then still causes pain and grief? Rejection and loss? Heartbreak and estrangement?
Perhaps it's that humans don't know HOW to love, as opposed to knowing what love is defined as. Fine.
But to me, it felt more like a definition should help us understand proper usage. And by that definition alone, "an intense feeling of deep affection," all sorts of counterbalanced behavior could be allowed while still claiming you love [insert noun here].
Not good enough for me.
The person who told me I didn't know what love is was, by this definition, dead-ass wrong. But I don't like to call people idiots, so I hung in there, determined to lock down a definition that would give me the ah-hah moment I so craved by this point, probably a solid 5-years into my quest for love.
I reject the notion that "love" is merely an intense feeling of deep affection. When I say I love [insert noun here], I'm usually willing to go quite far in sacrifice, commitment, and devotion for said [insert noun here]. Not all things, of course. Sometimes I claim to love a sunrise but I wouldn't murder the person next to me to ensure I see another sunrise...
*Well now, theeeeeere's an interesting quandary. Would I kill someone to see another sunrise?! I'll leave my answer at: "fascinating question...might I ask whom you require my services in killing before I respond as to whether or not another sunrise is worth it? Any pedophile? Yes. Any renowned cheesemaker? ... Depends. Are they also a pedophile?"*
And yet, so many people I know claim to "love" something or someone and give up on it/them all the same. Shit, my own parents say they love me and they don't even reach out for my birthday, much less know if I'm alive right now! How is that love?!
I knew that if I was going to continue this quest it would have to be on the grounds of figuring out what "love" actually means to me, because clearly I must have a different definition than most people I meet.
The person who claimed I didn't know what love is wasn't accurate, but they were valid on the grounds that, perhaps, we had different definitions of the concept of love...
Love /lʌv/ noun: a commitment to one's own (or another noun's) health, happiness, and good fortune.
It may not sound romantic. It surely doesn't feature any trigger words of sentiment, adoration, sex, or appeal.
But hear me out...
To care about all three of those things, means that you want the BEST for someone - and/or yourself - or something. It means you're willing to make sacrifices, have difficult conversations, and show up in ways that truly matter - be it for you, or for them.
*NOTE: It may seem that, by this definition directly, I don't love cheesecake at face value. HOWEVER, let me reassure you that language is fluid, and because cheesecake makes me happy, which thereby makes me mentally healthy, and brings me good fortune in that it raises my mood so I pursue the things that keep me stable...I fucking LOVE cheesecake.*
I'm a simple, gullible creature. And because of that, I've been burned in the past. By family, friends, one ex-spouse, several cats who've chosen another's cuddles over my own, a few roommates who still owe me backpay, one too many Netflix shows that had lackluster endings, a recent situationship that I thought was going somewhere, and a handful of passionpreneur projects that ended up being flops.
What I've learned through all of that heartbreak and grief is that the people - and cats, et al - who caused me the most pain, didn't actually love me in the way I qualify "love" because they couldn't. How could they? They didn't actually love themselves...
Think about it by my standard of "love": if you don't care about your own health, how are you going to show up for my health when I need advice? The same can be said for happiness and fortune. If you aren't in love with you, how can you be in love with me?
You may aspire to love me or someone/thing else, you may even think you do. To the extent that you may go to fisty-cuffs over this, fighting me to the death that you do, in fact, love XYZ/me.
But that would be by your definition versus mine, and I rather prefer mine.
Check it: if in a state of depression, I reach out to you for help, but you aren't currently taking care of your own health, happiness, and good fortune, how do you think you'll handle the situation?
Would you:
a) tell me to order a pizza, watch a disappointing Netflix flick, and calm TF down?
b) enable my behavior by languishing with me, cooing to me over the phone that I am worthy of good things, and then cutting our convo short because, ultimately, even enablers can only take so much?
c) tell me to get over it because you don't, yourself, have any clue what it's like to feel morbidly depressed?
d) all of the above and then some?
*The correct answer, bee-tee-dubs, is to reinforce my goodness, ask me if I've pursued therapeutic activities for my day, follow-up with asking if I've done anything for self-care for the day, and then ask me if I'm in a well enough state to care for my needs or if this is a moment where I need further assistance. Talk to your depressed friends, Betty. They deserve love too, ya fuck.*
The standards we hold for ourselves are often the ones we provide to others. Even if you speak better to your friends than you speak to yourself (a common trait amongst those with mental health struggles), you'll still provide a layer of enabling comfort that someone who truly - by my definition - loved themselves wouldn't provide.
Continue onward...
Apply that concept to wealth and happiness. If you only know a 9-to-5 grind because that's the kind of "love" you think is good for you, then how are you going to provide proper attention to someone like me who's seeking more?! You may feign support and "love," but when it comes down to it, your advice will inevitably be smothered in "work harder, do more, show up every morning and attack your work like a gatdamned lioness".
All of which to me sounds toxic AF.
My definition, as previously mentioned, is spurned by the estrangement I endure with both of my parents, parents who show zero interest in my livelihood and who, in their absence and empty platitudes, helped me achieve my quest for defining "true love".
Do they care for my health, happiness, and good fortune? Sadly no.
Perhaps they do by telling themselves that their absence serves my health, happiness, and good fortune. Except that it doesn't and they both know this. They've been informed by yours truly.
So whatever "love" they offer is by whatever their definition of "love" is for them. As for me, their "love" is selfish and toxic at best, and non-existent at worst.
Today, I live with the knowledge of what "true love" is to me.
When I love myself, I pay attention to my health, happiness, and good fortune.
That doesn't mean that I'm Beyonce up in the billions. It means that I tend to my garden to better cultivate as much health, happiness, and good fortune as possible in my day-to-day.
*Serve what ya mama gave ya, and my mama did not give me Yonce vibes, lol.*
I do my best not to thrash my vessel, sacrifice my own happiness, and ignore my opportunities for positive growth.
In putting this definition into practice, I went from offering enabler-style toxic love to myself and the people and things I love most, to providing healthy, stable, "true" love instead.
And now, I can tell when someone won't be able to love me in return. It feels like a psychic awakening in that I can sense, in ways that seem subtle but are actually quite obvious, when someone isn't healthy, happy, or fortunate. Instead of enabling those tendencies like I used to, I call them out. And when that doesn't change anything, I know now that sometimes "true love" requires that I take a step back.
But unlike my parents, I don't abandon.
I recently chose to leave Mexico - where I've lived for 11 years - to go to Colorado for a job opportunity *DING DING DING, accepting good fortune because I love myself* and, in doing so, I caused a dear friend of mine to feel abandoned in one of her darkest hours where she was continuously being abused by a vicious former boyfriend.
To be clear, I had spent four months giving her all of my support for leaving the relationship.
To also be clear, you cannot force someone to love themselves.
Old Tiffa would've enabled the shit out of her, turned down my own fortune, and remained in Mexico to desperately try to save her.
New Tiffa, with a clear sense of what love is, chose to care for myself (in caring for ourselves first we're able to healthily care for others in return) and take the job in Colorado, while also maintaining a connection with this friend to provide love from afar.
It never occurred to me to abandon her. Nor would it ever. Abandonment is not love. It's abuse.
Likewise but on the other side of the spectrum, choosing to end a friendship is also not abandonment. Sometimes it is, but not with my definition of love. In that case, had I chosen to end a friendship, as I've also had to choose to do this year, it's because the other person clearly doesn't love themselves, isn't able to love me, and thus is a toxic person to have in my life.
My job is not to love everyone.
It's to love me and to let that love ripple outwards to attract those who love me back as I love them.
It's not easy to take on this definition.
Now you've gotta look at how you show up "in love" for yourself and those around you.
But I promise you, it'll change how you treat yourself and everything/one else in your life.
And it all starts with you.
Are you in love with yourself? Do you make, or are you willing to make, sacrifices to show up for your health, happiness, and good fortune?
If so, congratulations! You're a solid lover who likely provides solid love to those around you!
But if the answer is anything close to: "ruh-roh," then don't be surprised if you start to notice how you haven't been as loving to others as you thought you were.
Before I sign off from this "epiphany from Tiffany," I'm gonna leave you with some considerate questions to determine whether or not you are, in fact, loving towards yourself and others.
And if you find that you're not, that's ok! Change is an inevitable part of life and you're oh so very capable of it!
But you can't get better if you don't know how/where/why you're failing.
And this goes for me too. I can always get better at being in love with myself and those around me.
#1) Do you show up for reciprocal emotional connection, conversation, and support?
Do you show up emotionally for yourself, much less for others? If you provide advice to your friends but don't open up about your own struggles, are you really loving yourself and them, or are you just parenting them in absence of how you should be caring for yourself?
HEALTH is more than just exercise and nutrition, my dude.
To pursue health includes holding space for your emotions, not just for those who reach out for your emotional support. Period. If those closest to you don't know what you're really going through, then what makes you think you love yourself? And what makes you think you really love them and aren't just using them to fill some void or comfort zone that you've yet to heal from past trauma?
#2) Are you committed to pursuing your own happiness?
Most people are pretty solid at showing up for the "good fortune" part of my definition (even if I disagree about what "good fortune" actually looks like...hey, I get it, we can't all be passionpreneurs), we've all got bills to pay and, somehow, the majority of us find a way to get it done.
And a good majority of the collective understands how to pursue their own health goals (again, even if I disa-fucking-gree with how they go about doing it).
But are you showing up for your happiness? Are you acknowledging when you aren't happy? Are you acknowledging what makes you happy? And are you aware of when you choose to sacrifice your happiness because XYZ???
Because if you're dropping the ball on your own pursuit of happiness, how often are you dropping it for the people you claim to "love"?
#3) Are you honestly able to acknowledge where you aren't actively "in love" with yourself?
It's ok to not be "on" all the time. My definition states: "a commitment to...", which doesn't mean it's a permanent state of being, so much as consistent pursuit of it.
When you drop off the map, do you come back to the trail? Or do you lose your way for an indefinite period of time?
As much as you say you love yourself, or your friends, or your lovers, is that really the case if you haven't seen love for yourself in quite some time? Or are you all in enabler-mode, casually allowing you and those you love to mistreat each other in misguided pursuits of affection?
True love, to me, genuinely means caring about your full, well-rounded, holistic welfare.
Not just your happiness.
Not just your health.
Not just your good fortune.
And certainly not in a way that safeguards your ego in place of confronting what needs healing so you can live a comprehensive, loving existence.
Let the record show, that I too struggle to love myself on a daily basis.
You won't find perfection here!
Just commitment.
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