"What you learn in childhood, echoes in eternity..."
Is what The Gladiator wishes he said were he coming from a healed place.
Because the truth is that who you are today, as an adult, was largely determined by your upbringing.
Your attachment style determines how you connect to others within interpersonal relationships. There are four types of attachments: anxious/preoccupied, avoidant/dismissive, disorganized/fearful avoidant, and secure.
In a nutshell, here's what you need to know (and based on these shells, you may be able to immediately pin-point your particular brand of attachment):
ANXIOUS/PREOCCUPIED - Do you crave relationships like a mammal craves oxygen? Well, maybe not that intense. But if you find yourself uncomfortable being single, or solitary, you might just have an anxious/preoccupied attachment style...
AVOIDANT/DISMISSIVE - Are you hyper-independent, self-sufficient, and prone to sprinting in the opposite direction when someone wants to shack up with you? My dude, you're likely avoidant/dismissive...
DISORGANIZED/FEARFUL AVOIDANT - Did you read a little bit of yourself in both of those above summaries? Do you crave relationships, but also want to run at the first sign of commitment? It's likely that you're dealing with the complicated reality of being a disorganized/fearful avoidant...
SECURE - Are you content being single and also content being in a relationship? Are you open and straightforward, able to be vulnerable and independent, single and taken? Congrats, because if 'dis you, then you're likely sitting pretty in autonomous security...
Attachment styles aren't set in stone. If you've read this quick blurb and are thinking "ahh, shit, this explains my dumpster-fire of a dating life..." you're not alone and you're not forever fucked. Read more about why you are how you are, how you can deal with someone you've been dumpster-fired by, and/or what you can do to heal from an inevitable fall-out from an insecure partner.
Click the link below to discover your attachment style so you can start taming that strange before the clock runs out.
Don't start shit with me, Betty!
I know you've heard the obsession with love languages, but there's a reason for that.
How you prefer to receive and deliver love is important to understanding how you show up in your friendships, intimate relationships, family holidays where Aunt Edna gives you 15 scratchy sweaters and you grotesquely sigh with an "as if, Aunt Ed, I've already told you I prefer gift cards for spa treatments!", etcetra, etcetra...
Had you but known your love language, you may have been able to not only inform the entire family of your preferences in a clear and concise manner, but also helped them inform you that they do, in fact, prefer itchy sweaters...now then, onto the goods:
ACTS OF SERVICE - Do you love it when someone makes you a meal? And do you find that when you want to show someone you care, you end up doing things for them in a tangible way? Then you're likely an acts of service kinda kitten...
RECEIVING GIFTS - Are you big into getting and giving gifts? Like, big big? Like, Aunt Edna gives all the handmade scratchy sweaters, big? There's a chance you're a receiving/giving gifts kinda person...
QUALITY TIME - Do you love to give people your undivided attention, and do you love when they do the same for you? Long hours of play time, social interaction, or even a movie night tend to do it for ya? Then it's time to buckle up and learn more about the quality time love language...
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION - Do you light up whenever someone has a good word to say about you? Do you, in turn, like to acknowledge people with words of praise? Then you should probably explore words of affirmation as your love language...
PHYSICAL TOUCH - Do you love a good hug or a well-placed pat on the shoulder? Is a snuggle preferred over a homemade meal? When you're proud of someone, do you want to give them all the high-fives? You might be a physical touch love language if high-fives do something for ya...
Now, when it comes to love languages, you'll find that you have a top three and of those top three you'll have an order to what you prefer. These don't tend to change much throughout our lives and they're likely based on treatments we did or didn't receive in our childhood.
But, as with all things psychological, you can always learn to adapt to new ways of love if you decide that's something you want/need to explore for yourself.
That was the easy stuff, buttercup.
Let's switch gears into something a bit more...how you say...dark *scheming pyramid fingers of doom*
Subtle jokes aside (which I feel unfortunately entitled to make because I score rather high on this test and humor is my way of dealing with deep, dark wounds of despair), the ACE test stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences and it's used to gauge adult health and social outcomes based on traumatic events experienced in childhood.
The test looks at three areas of your upbringing: abuse, neglect, and household challenges, like substance abuse or mental illness.
So here's why this biggy's a baddie: too many people are roaming through this life with an absurdly high ACE score (myself included) and don't know it's an issue, or how to confront it (not myself included...hello, case in point: dis blog).
In fact, more often than not, people with high ACE scores who end up succeeding or appearing highly functional in life, tend to ignore altogether the very real traumatic experiences they were put through in their childhood because "look at me, I made it ma!" (*cue any angry Eminem quote*), thus opening them up to dysfunctional attachment styles and toxic displays of their love language. *ahem...Slim. Fucking. Shady's. The lot of 'em.*
Hence why we're gonna take a break from the fun stuff to explore some of this darker shit.
*HERE'S WHERE THAT TRIGGER WARNING KICKS IN*
Without further ado, I give you the ACE test (answer YES or NO, and then tally them mothers up):
Before your 18th birthday...
- Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often…swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you?
- Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often…push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? Or ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?
- Did an adult or person at least five years older than you ever…touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? Or attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?
- Did you often or very often feel that…no one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? Or your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
- Did you often or very often feel that…you didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? Or your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?
- Was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or other reason?
- Was your mother or stepmother: often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? Or sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? Or ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
- Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?
- Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide?
- Did a household member go to prison?
Full disclosure, I score a 7/10, which is why mental health is so important to the work I create. Job expectations and regular 9-to-5 paychecks, nutrition and exercise, spiritual growth and meditation...these things mean very little to me if, at the end of the day, all I feel is emotionally depleted from the PTSD that I'm left with from my younger years.
I do best when I apply a full range of attention to what I'm doing to ALL aspects of my life. If I get too focused on any one area and let the others take a backseat, I struggle. Hard.
To learn more about the ACE test and to take the actual test online (same questions, more interactive fun), click the button below.
Last but not least, let's round this sucker out with a final round of fun stuff!
The Myers-Briggs personality test includes a total of 16 personality types.
And no, I'm not gonna hold your hand on this one.
But have fun taking the test because it's quite enlightening once you find out who you are!
INFP-T, over here! Which makes me a natural mediator. I'm mostly introverted, highly intuitive, all up in my feelings, flexible as all get-out when it comes to switching things up, and turbulent as hell with my emotions, making me a prime candidate for perfectionistic artistry.
So, how accurate is this test anyway? Is it one of those astrological minefields that leaves users wondering, "can it really be written in the stars?"
...
Calm yourself, beautiful.
This research stems from the papa-bear of analytical psychology himself, Carl Gustav Jung, the man who identified two primary personality types, Introversion and Extroversion, and then doubled-down on his work with his research into the two primary cognitive functions, Judging and Perceiving.
According to Jung, every human has an instinct towards either Introversion or Extroversion, and to either Judge or Perceive their surroundings.
Additional research was able to tack on more information to this study with details like, Intuitive versus Observant, Feeling versus Thinking, and Assertive versus Turbulent,
Seriously, stardust wonder! Go take the test and find out more about how you relate to the world around you. It's fascinating stuff!
*Said from an INFP-T who loves to learn about her internal world and perceives her surroundings like a hawk on the prowl.*
However, as with most things regarding psychology, keep in mind that your personality type can change over time. Yet another goodie that's best to check in on every few years or so!
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