In the last 15+ years I've maintained a lifestyle where I've had more free time than the average adult. And in that free time, I've been able to explore all sorts of hobbies, one of which is communication.
Blessings be to 20-something year old me who decided to flip off the free world and pursue a life less traveled.
But I digress...
In that free time, I chose to work on my mental health, explore the world around me, and study ideas like what we mean when we say, "I love you."
The question of what the word "love" meant was a deep confusion for me since several, very important, relationships in my life that involved love often showed very little of it.
How could people like my parents - whom I hadn't spoken to in over a decade, who had damaged me in ways that at times felt too heavy to carry, who hadn't taken steps to mend our shattered relationships - possibly mean it when they said they loved me?
How could my ex-husband have meant it when he'd spent 11 years abusing me?
If they had or hadn't meant it, how was I supposed to know the difference? How was I supposed to trust anyone in the future who told it to me, much less myself when I told it to someone else?
And so I dove deep.
I spent quite a few years contemplating what it means to "love" and asking people around me what they thought it meant.
What I realized is that most people have a very limited sense of what it means to "love". In fact, I'd argue that they'd agree with the primary dictionary definition, which I'll share in this post.
But for me, love is a profound emotional depth that, when I feel it, carries more integrity, consistency, and stability than the definitions I found.
I realized that my conflict with the people who'd come in and out of my life offering professions of love is that their love was always transactional, often being revoked during times of emotional stress.
Were we operating from different spaces of what "love" means or did I not understand the concept from the jump?
Someone once told me that I didn't know what love is.
When anyone tells me something about myself, especially something I don't see about my character or behaviors, I take it seriously.
Sometimes they're right and I learn more about myself, which is always a positive thing. Sometimes they're wrong and I learn more about how humans project their own flaws and blame others when they don't know what else to do, which is also a positive thing to know.
Because of what that person said to me, I spent the next few years researching, writing, and pondering the current definition of love, what other people think love is, and - more importantly - what I perceived love to be.
I did all of this in the hopes that maybe if I could understand what "true love" is, then I could not only start offering it to the people I love most, but I could also recognize when someone loves me in return...or doesn't.
And so, my first step was to dive nose-deep in dictionary definitions of "love":
DEFINITION 1) Love /lʌv/ noun: an intense feeling of deep affection.
DEFINITION 2) Love /lʌv/ noun: a great interest and pleasure in something.
DEFINITION 3) Love /lʌv/ verb: like or enjoy very much.
DEFINITION 4) Love /lʌv/ noun: a feeling of deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone.
DEFINITION 5) Love /lʌv/ noun: (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero.
Definition #5 is a gatdamned sports reference, so I shoved that aside.
Definition #4 labels "love" as being romantic or sexual, which doesn't apply to the love a parent would have for a child, so that too I shoved aside.
NOTE: I wanted my definition to be something that would apply universally to every loving relationship in my life, not just familial, friendly, or romantic.
Definition #3 is how I feel about cheesecake. Not good enough for human love, me thinks.
And definition #2 is how I feel about psychedelics...also not good enough for human love.
Which left me with definition #1, the only definition on this list that came even remotely close to defining "love" in the relationships for which I'd said it and meant it, but still...I'd experienced so many moments when emotional upheaval suddenly threw even that concept of love out the window.
I'm sure my parents feel deep affection for me, but I'm also sure they've each claimed me "dead to them". How could that be love?
I'm a communicator by nature.
I highly value the fact that humans can create a word to perfectly summarize an intention, feeling, situation, etc.
To me, definitions should help us better understand the words that we use for one one another.
If my outlook on love was governed by definition #1, "an intense feeling of deep affection," then all sorts of negative behavior could be allowed while still claiming you love someone. I've been told it's true that you can love someone and also mistreat them, but isn't it more likely that humans aren't honest about their emotions?
Isn't it more likely that we're bad at loving one another so we justify our misdeeds and then continue to call it love? Isn't it also more likely that definition #1 is ill-defined, and was likely written by someone who had a shallow understanding of love?
I thought back to the person who told me that I didn't know what love is...did they demonstrate what love is?
I do believe you can have an intense feeling of deep affection for someone, but how does that show up in moments of negativity, moments of stress, moments of deep pain? What is love if it disappears when we need it most, when it matters most? And was the definition I sought something different than that person who called me out was able to associate with?
An intense feeling of deep affection doesn't mean you'll treat someone with respect, or dignity, or understanding, especially in difficult moments. If anything, that definition is describing a moment, not a feeling that holds longevity.
And so I rejected the notion that "love" is merely an intense feeling of deep affection. When I say I love someone, I mean that I care about them profoundly - even in moments of hardship. It means that I want the best for them, that I treat them with respect and care, no matter what we're going through.
But when I say I love an object or an idea, say, a sunset, or a warm hug, THAT'S when I feel deep affection in the way that definition #1 details.
So many people claim to "love" someone and then treat that person with the same fleeting regard they might treat a sunset or a hug. They enjoy it while it's there, while it's happening, but if that sunset isn't good enough, or the hug not warm enough, suddenly the emotion flips to disdain or disregard.
Humans are not to be disregarded. Not those whom we love, anyway.
I knew that if I was going to continue this quest it would have to be on the grounds of figuring out what "love" actually means to me, because clearly I must have a different definition than the dictionary, or even most people I meet.
The person who claimed I didn't know what love is wasn't accurate, but they were valid on the grounds that, perhaps, we had different definitions of what love actually is...
It may not sound romantic. It surely doesn't feature any trigger words of sentimentality, adoration, sex, or appeal.
But it encompasses everything I believe we mean when we say we love someone, and here's why...
To care about all three of those specific words in regard to you or someone else, means that you want the BEST for you and/or them. Hardship doesn't make those feelings go away. Challenge, argumentation, conflict, doesn't mean you suddenly revoke your interest in that persons well-being.
It means, when reasonable to do so, you're willing to make sacrifices, have difficult conversations, and show up in ways that truly matter - be it for you, or for them.
In the past, I've been a simple, gullible creature. And because of that, I've been burned a lot in relationships. By family, friends, one ex-husband, several cats who've chosen the lap of another over my own, a few roommates who still owe me money, one too many Netflix shows that had lackluster endings, one situationship that I thought was going somewhere, and a handful of passionpreneur projects that ended up being flops.
What I've learned from all of that heartbreak and grief is that the people - and cats - who caused me the most pain, didn't actually love me in the way I qualify "love" because they couldn't - they didn't have the same expectation for what love is as I do.
And I'd bet money on it that the deeper reason for why they were so willing to cause so much pain in someone they claimed to "love," was due in large part to the lack of love they felt for themselves.
By my definition of "love": if you don't care about your own health, how are you going to be able to show up for someone else's health when they need advice or support? The same could be said for happiness and fortune. If you aren't practicing disciplined love for you, then how can you give it to another?
You may aspire to love someone, you may even think that you do.
But as far as I'm concerned, deep affection does not mean that you love me. It means that you've felt a feeling in a moment. It's not longterm and it doesn't often withstand hardship.
The standards we hold for ourselves are often the ones we show to others. Even if you speak better to your friends than you speak to yourself (a common trait amongst those with mental health struggles), you'll still provide a layer of enabling comfort that someone who truly loves themselves - by my definition - wouldn't provide.
Now apply this definition to wealth and happiness.
If you only know a 9-to-5 grind because that's the kind of "love" you think is good for you, then how are you going to provide proper attention to someone like me who's seeking more?!
You may feign support and "love," but when it comes down to it, your advice will inevitably be smothered in "work harder, do more, show up every morning and attack your work like a gatdamned lioness".
All of which to me sound toxic AF.
My definition was born from the estrangement I endured with both of my parents, and the devastating way my 11-year long relationship/marriage ended.
Did those individuals care for my health, happiness, and good fortune?
If so, then why did they choose to keep digging in their heels on negative behaviors that only contributed to my mental health downfall? You can be upset with someone, disagree with someone, even want to end a relationship with someone, while still loving them and showing them care for their health, happiness, and good fortune.
I believe that they all think they loved me, but I also believe that they had (and some of them still do have) a warped perspective of what love actually is.
Today, I live with a renewed sense of awareness on what love means to me. I can clearly see when someone does or does not love themself, and I can clearly state what I expect in relationships with people who claim to want love with me.
I'm very aware of when I am and am not loving myself, and because that's what I want from the relationships I cultivate, I pay attention to how I'm honoring my own health, happiness, and good fortune (all three of those terms - health, happiness, and good fortune - are blanket statements that incorporate everything from sex, physical wellbeing, purpose, vitality, joy, success, gratitude, and everything in between).
This definition changed my life.
Nowadays, I tend to myself first in order to cultivate as much health, happiness, and good fortune as possible from my day-to-day activities and behaviors.
I do my best not to thrash my vessel, sacrifice my own happiness, or ignore my opportunities for positive growth.
In putting this definition into practice, I went from offering enabler-style toxic love to myself and the people I love most, to providing healthy, stable, "true" love instead.
Sometimes, that means I lose relationships. Even ones I thought would last a lifetime.
And that's ok.
If someone is not able or willing to seek understanding, compassion, and growth with someone they claim to love, then love isn't what they're claiming to have with that person. Perhaps it's force, coercion, loyalty, or determination.
These days, I can tell when someone won't be able to love me in the way I want to experience.
It feels like a psychic awakening in that I can sense, in ways that seem subtle but are actually quite obvious, when someone isn't healthy, happy, or fortunate. Instead of enabling those tendencies like I used to, I call them out. And when that doesn't change anything, I know that sometimes "true love" requires that I take a step back.
At first I feared that I was abandoning people, but when I sat with it and aligned with my definition of love, I realized that it wasn't me doing the abandoning: it was them.
I lost a few friends in the last two years. Individuals I thought would be in my life for the long-haul. But their behavior, their issues, their lack of love for themselves, had them abusing me in the meantime. So I left.
And I struggled with leaving that first friend. I felt like I was abandoning her and our friendship. But had she any sense of what love really is, she wouldn't have been abusive. And she wouldn't have abandoned love and understanding in place of anger and destruction.
Love does not abandon. It seeks to find understanding, connection, a bridge to mend the disconnect. Even - if not especially - in dark times.
The old me would've enabled the shit out of her, turned down my own health and happiness, and remained loyal to our friendship despite all the chaos and pain I endured through it.
But I'm a new person with this knowledge under my belt. I have a clear sense of what love is and chose to care for myself (in caring for ourselves first we're able to properly care for others in return). In doing so, I can love her from afar; and I do.
I no longer enable toxicity.
I no longer fear the loss of someones half-assed, so-called, poor excuse for love.
My job is not to love everyone.
It's to love me and to let that love ripple outwards to attract those who love me back as I love them.
Take a look at how you show up "in love" for yourself and for those around you.
I promise, it'll change how you treat yourself and everyone else in your life.
Are you in love with yourself? Do you make, or are you willing to make, sacrifices to show up for your health, happiness, and good fortune?
If so, congratulations! You're a well-rounded lover who likely provides healthy love to those around you!
But if the answer is anything close to: "ruh-roh," then don't be surprised if you start to notice how you haven't been as loving to others as you thought you were; if you start to understand why the love you've been told you have doesn't feel right; if you start to see how your lack of love for self ripples out to create a lack of love around you.
Before I sign off, I'm gonna leave you with some questions to determine whether or not you are, in fact, loving towards yourself and others.
And if you find that you're not, just remember that change is an inevitable part of life and you're oh so very capable of it.
But you can't get better if you don't know how/where/why you're failing.
"Health" includes your physical well-being, of course, but it also includes your emotions, sex life, mental health, sense of fulfillment, etc.
How healthy are you, really? And do you care about the overall health of your loved ones? Not the enabling kind of care, but the kind that can have honest, deep, meaningful connection and support for their best interest.
"Happiness" includes your emotional contentment, of course, but it also includes your sense of fulfillment, confidence, self-esteem, connection to others, etc.
Are you acknowledging when you aren't happy? Are you acknowledging what makes you happy? And are you aware of when you choose to sacrifice your happiness because of XYZ???
If you're dropping the ball on your own pursuit of happiness, how often are you dropping it for the people you claim to "love"?
"Good Fortune" includes opportunity, of course, but it also includes your right to luck, love, gratitude, and pride.
Do you let yourself take opportunities that come your way? Do you accept that good things come to those who do good unto others? Do you feel gratitude for what you DO have in your life, especially when you ultimately feel in a deficit?
If you don't have the confidence or gratitude to pursue good fortune when it comes your way, then how are you able to encourage and support those you love when good fortune comes to them?
It's ok to not be "on" all the time. My definition states: "a commitment to...", which doesn't mean it's a permanent state of being, so much as a consistent pursuit.
When you drop off from loving yourself, do you come back? Or do you lose your way for an indefinite period of time?
As much as you say you love yourself, or your friends, or your lovers, is that really the case if you haven't seen love for yourself in quite some time? Or are you all in on enabler-mode, casually allowing you and those you love to mistreat each other in misguided pursuits of affection?
True love, to me, genuinely means caring about your full, well-rounded, holistic welfare.
Not just your happiness.
Not just your health.
Not just your good fortune.
And certainly not in a way that safeguards your ego in place of confronting what needs healing so you can live a deep and loving existence.
Let the record show, that I too struggle to love myself on a daily basis.
You won't find perfection here.
Just commitment.
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