From the age of four, I suffered from chronic migraines.
My mom took me to all sorts of doctors who tried to figure out what was causing it, but they never found an answer.
Instead, Excedrin (enough to kill a whale) and dark brooding rooms became my "best friends".
It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I learned what chronic stress and abuse can do to a child: migraines (amongst other things). Which explained why, well into my 30's, they had never gone away.
Despite being a grown woman with absolute autonomy, my unhealed self was replicating relationship patterns I'd learned from childhood; so while the abuse and stress from my childhood dissipated, the abuse and stress of my adulthood commenced.
For as long as I could remember, my two "best friends" had always taken the back seat to my #1 "bestie," stress.
Try though I did to alleviate my stress, nothing ever worked for longer than a few days. From the age of four, I'd been battling at least 3-6 migraines per week. And when you're used to chronic pain of that caliber, it's hard to envision a life where it doesn't exist.
I exercised regularly, ate a generally healthy diet, got enough sleep, went to therapy, drank enough water, minimized or reduced toxic substance consumption like alcohol, and still...the migraines persisted.
I had all but given up hope on living migraine free. By then I'd definitely given up hope on sobriety since it did nothing to remove the migraines.
But then, by synchronistic destiny, I stumbled upon a blog post about the mind-gut connection that completely transformed my life.
I'd never known that the way we fuel our bodies directly affects our brains' ability to function, especially in relation to stress and mental health struggles.
And so my experiments began.
I moved in and out of diet strategies like Goldilocks conducting her infamous B&E, trying out the options available to me until, finally, something felt just right.
Lo and behold, my migraines began to clear...
But not permanently, no. That wouldn't come until I learned about the mind-body connection...
This is the story of how the mind-gut and mind-body connection theories revolutionized my lifestyle and helped me escape the rat race (not as fast as a feral cat evading animal control, but fast enough that feral cats respect my game).
The mind-gut connection is a bidirectional communication system between your brain and your digestive system, known as the gut-brain axis.
This connection allows your brain and gut to influence each other through nerves, hormones, and chemicals, affecting everything from mood and stress to digestion and nutrient absorption.
The gut sends signals to the brain about hunger, fullness, and inflammation, and the gut microbiome (whether it's healthy or not) will influence mood and stress levels.
Likewise, the brain sends signals that control digestion, blood flow, and other functions - like stress, which can trigger gut symptoms like stomach pain or diarrhea.
If you've ever eaten too much and felt sleepy, or if you've ever gotten nervous and suddenly felt like you might sh*t your pants...that's the mind-gut connection in action.
Since I was unaware of this internal connection and the greater ramifications it was having on my well-being, I wasn't paying attention to how I was fueling my body or how I was maintaining my mind, much less how the two were trying to enlighten me to my deeper issues.
The connection works both ways, and I was suffering from both sides of the bridge.
You can have a healthy diet and still suffer from chronic symptoms if you don't also have a healthy mind. The reverse is, obviously, true as well.
I went through countless diets to see what would work best for me. But when I finally found the diet that brought me the best gut-to-mind connection, I was still riddled with a mind-to-gut problem.
Cleaning up both sides of the street for my mind-gut health became my only mission for five years.
While it was wildly hopeful to learn that the fuel I gave my internal system could resolve the chemical imbalance issues plaguing my mind, I was in for a world of lifestyle upheaval when I learned just how important it would be to properly fuel my mind with more than just the right foods...
What is the "Mind-Body" Connection?
The mind-body connection is the relationship between your thoughts, emotions, and physical health, where the mind and body are interconnected and influence each other.
This bidirectional link means that mental states can cause physical reactions, such as stress leading to a tense neck, and physical states can affect your mood, such as exercise boosting contentment.
Learning about this connection clicked a puzzle piece into place for me in regards to my childhood migraines: growing up in a household of chronic stress and abuse meant that my mind was constantly sending a signal to my body that I was unsafe, because I was.
Mindfulness exercises like meditation, and even exercise itself, can help alleviate the symptoms of mind-body induced pain, but if you're living in a chronic state of stress then those habits likely won't be enough to combat it.
As I learned in my childhood, I was now learning again in adulthood: one cannot heal in the place that broke you...
RECOGNIZING MY TOXIC MIND-BODY CONNECTION
At 22 years old, in the middle of a work day, my jaw locked up so tight that I couldn't open my mouth to speak.
At 24 years old, I woke up one morning to see my hands covered in what appeared to be millions of tiny blisters.
And at 29 years old, I woke up to a neck kink that made it impossible for me to move. I was bedridden for nearly two weeks.
Each of those instances - and several more I haven't listed - were brought on by stress. Sometimes I was able to clearly identify stress as the trigger. But, more often than not, I was entirely unaware that chronic stress was causing my mind to trigger my body into nightmarish outcomes.
All I'd ever known was stress.
Stress in work, stress in my marriage, stress in my relationships in general, stress, stress, stress.
As my parents used to say, "stress is a part of life."
What I hadn't figured out was how not to make it my entire life.
My mind has always been very good at telling my body I'm stressed, and my body has always been very good at letting me know that my mind thinks I'm stressed.
The only problem was that I hadn't been conscientiously paying attention to the signs: I wasn't picking up on what my mind-body connection was putting down...
My first step to healing was learning about the mind-gut connection for two reasons: 1) I had high hopes that if I ate the right things I could heal my migraines without changing anything else about my life, and 2) I wasn't ready to admit that so many structural relationships in my life needed to burn...
Several dietary experiments later, I found out that a keto-style diet works best for my system. It didn't fully save my from the wrath of migraines, but it made a significant impact.
I noticed how energized, refreshed, and clear-minded I felt on a daily basis, almost immediately after starting the keto diet.
Before discovering it, I had no idea that the body could be primarily fueled by either one of two sources: carbohydrates or fats. I was raised to believe that high fat diets were the devil and that carbohydrates were a staple to any healthy nutritional pyramid.
What I learned through experimentation and countless hours of research, is that not every body works best on a high-carb diet. Just like not every body is great with lactose, gluten, or sugar (all high in carbs, by the way *wink, wink*).
I won't get into the specifics in this post, but there's a lot of research to suggest that a high-fat, high-protein, low-carb diet results in higher brain functionality and an ability to better manage stress.
But while a low-carb diet did wonders for my overall health and physical well-being, I was still experiencing chronic migraines.
That moment at 29 years old when I woke up with a mysterious, debilitating kink in my neck was the moment I decided to take the mind-body connection more seriously...
STEP 2:
Face the music - your reality sucks, doesn't it?
I couldn't escape it anymore.
So many areas of my life were dysfunctional.
My relationship with both of my parents was non-existent; I'd been estranged for the better part of 10 years.
My relationship with my husband had been toxic from the first week of our relationship; we were now 9 years in, recently married, and already teetering on divorce.
My relationships with my friends was distant; I'd been so damage from my own experiences, and then so isolated by my partner, that I'm surprised a single friendship withstood the test of time.
I lay in my bed for two weeks reading anything I could find online about the mind-body connection. In doing so, I finally accepted the trigger that instigated my neck pain: my marriage.
I'd hit my breaking point several times over by now, but I'd always been willing to offer grace and seek understanding. I had convinced myself that he was my person, that we could make it work, that every marriage struggles, yaddi-yadda.
The truth was, I was an emotionally unhealed person who had become a desperate co-dependent romantic, playing out a childhood pattern of not being good enough for either parent and therefore willing to resolve any issue with my husband - no matter how abusive he was to me - in order to prove my worth.
The night before my neck kinked up, we had gone to bed after a nasty fight. It didn't matter what the argument was about, what mattered was that I was in a relationship where I didn't feel safe, seen, heard, or respected. The problem wasn't the argument, it wasn't even the relationship.
Ultimately, it was me. I was the problem. Because when we know we shouldn't be doing something and we do it anyway, we have no one to blame for the outcome but ourselves.
I knew him and I weren't right for each other one week into dating, but here I was: 9 years later, now married to the guy, and kinked up in bed like a busted action figure.
My mind was giving my body a signal I could no longer avoid.
And as soon as I took that signal seriously, everything began to shift...
STEP 3:
We cannot heal in the space that broke us...
I didn't leave the next morning, or even the next year.
In fact, it took me another four years to finally commit to ending my marriage.
I wish I could say it was because I had hope for us in the end, but really it was because I was terrified of being everything negative my parents had ever said about me.
I had lost myself in that relationship and I was very unsure of who I was outside of it. I had dedicated 11 years to that relationship, to that man. I had lost friendships, family members, businesses, and pieces of myself to that man. And the idea of walking away felt like the biggest failure I'd ever had to face.
But in the end, I did walk away. And that first night in my new apartment - to this day - was the best night's sleep I've ever had.
We cannot heal in the place that broke us. Our mind won't allow for it. It'll always be on guard, it'll always be waiting in suspense for another attack. In order to heal, we've got to leave the space that caused the trauma and find peace elsewhere.
I wasn't ready for that journey when I first realized I needed to take it. I was still clinging to hope for a future that I'm now so grateful never transpired. As years slipped by, my body continued to give me signals that my mind didn't feel safe. I continued to suffer in the life I'd built on a faulty foundation.
I know now to pay attention to the signals my body gives me because they're signals sent directly from my brain. They aren't random, they aren't coincidental, they're warnings. And if I had listened to them sooner, I may have been able to avoid years of abuse and trauma from my ex-husband.
That said, I also don't live with regrets.
My relationship with him was a safe enough space where I could explore my interests, create a lifestyle and career that promoted my mental health journey, and ultimately taught me so much about communication, boundaries, respect, and love.
God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
How The Rat Race Contributed to My Toxic Mind-Gut & Mind-Body Connections
1: HUSTLE CULTURE
For as long as I can remember, my mom has been a corporate robot. I don't know how she does it. I spent my childhood watching her go to and from work, no matter the distance, religiously, every weekday. I watched her work on weekends. I went to "bring your kid to work" days and watched her sit at a cubicle for eight hours, no complaints.
I remember watching the movie "Office Space" for the first time and thinking, "that cannot be my future." And I remember wondering if my mom ever thought like those men talked...did she hate her work? If so, she never mentioned it.
Hustle culture gave me anxiety attacks, an issue that plagued me throughout my 20's as I replicated that cultural style within my own freelancing and passionpreneurial career. The need to succeed, the need to generate profit, the need to prove oneself on the battlefield of business is something I've never understood but have always felt breathing down my neck.
Eventually, I learned to work smarter, not harder, and now the only time you'll catch me hustling is if I'm working on a project that lights up my soul - because then it isn't a hustle; it's a purpose, it's a passion, it's a love.
The rat race taught me that I should hustle, no matter the cost to my health and well-being...
2: DIET & NUTRITION NARRATIVES
From commercials on tv to products in the checkout line, our society's food culture is built off of quick fixes, fast nutrition, and empty calories.
I was raised on hot pockets and Sobe. I didn't think about the deeper nutritional value of my food until I was well into my late 20's. Fortunately for me, by then I was living in Mexico. I moved to Mexico at 24 years old and my diet significantly changed because of it.
It was that move, in fact, that made it clear to me that the American diet is extremely toxic. I went from living with processed breads, meats, and dairies, to living with corn flour tortillas (very little wheat-flour bread, if ever), fresh cut meats from a nearby farm, fresh fruits, veggies, and dairies.
Sure, I occasionally missed my creature comforts, and over time I did go back to eating Cheetos and chocolate bars when the mood struck. But for the most part I was content to eat clean because it was so much easier to do so.
By choosing to live abroad, I learned real fast how American diet and nutrition culture has a very low nutritional value and a very high advertising value.
The rat race taught me that my nutrition should be entrusted to corporations (that surely have done their research on what is, and is not, good for my mind and body), not that I should investigate it myself...
3: RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS
I grew up watching the adult relationships around me ignore necessary conversations, romantic interactions, healthy connections to other friends and family, etc.
In a nutshell: I grew up learning how not to love.
But it wasn't until I was facing my own marital issues that I realized how hard it can be to leave when society has done such a good job making people feel like failures if they can't make their marriage work.
I don't recall hearing anyone - or watching anything in particular - talk about how failed marriages made one or both people failures. But somehow that message came through suffocatingly thick.
As a young girl, I never wanted a failed marriage. And maybe that's how the narrative began: a little girl reading and watching narratives about love, picturing her future and recognizing that healthy displays of loss and rebirth were never seen or heard of...
The rat race taught me that any failed relationship was a reflection of me as a failure, not of me as a survivor...
4: AGEIST EXPECTATIONS
I didn't grow up witnessing the journey of young adults. I grew up experiencing the lives of the adults around me, and I learned really fast that an adult without the means to buy a house, buy a car, take a vacation, remodel their home, or otherwise live the "American Dream" was an adult who took a wrong turn in the Game of Life.
As such, I sit here - as a woman in her late 30's who has never owned a home - and often find myself feeling like I've taken one too many wrong turns.
The rat race taught me that lack of material success in my older years is indicative of my failures as an adult, not the failures of an economy culture that's gotten out of hand...
5: EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION
What I lack in home owner success, I make up for in aces with emotional awareness, regulation, and expression.
That said, society hasn't really held much of an interest in emotional maturity for quite some time. It's only in the last five years I've seen much of a shift in the discussion of emotional regulation, and even then...it's slow moving.
The rat race taught me that emotional vulnerability and regulation is a weakness and a burden, not that it's a skill and a strength...
6: MENTAL HEALTH EXPECTATIONS
Mental health struggles have been an interesting journey "to share, or not to share".
I've learned that while most people are able to sympathize and provide grace in an initial moment of me providing clarity on my mental health, those same people often don't have an ability for sustained understanding.
People don't care what you're going through when it comes down to their bottom line, and that bottom line doesn't have to be financial. Sometimes it's a friend who's exhausted from hearing that your life isn't getting any better; sometimes it's a stranger who asked how you're doing, got an honest answer, and now feels irritated by your "oversharing".
The rat race taught me that my mental health isn't as important as my ability to function at the level of other peoples' expectations, not that I should cherish and protect it...
How Attuned Are You to Your Mind-Gut & Mind-Body Connections?
And how are you doing out in the rat race?
I hope it's been everything it's been made out to be, I hope that you're succeeding and thriving and happy as all get-out.
But if you're not (if you're struggling across mind, body, soul, and/or cake), know that you aren't alone and I'm always here to rant about it.
We all deserve a life of peace and ease.
Chaos and stress can f*ck all the way off.
So too can the gatdamned rat race.
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