Someone once told me that I didn't know what love is.

When anyone tells me something about myself, especially something I don't see about my character or behaviors, I take it seriously.

Sometimes they're right and I learn more about myself, which is always a positive thing. Sometimes they're wrong and I learn more about how humans project their own flaws and blame others when they don't know what else to do, which is also a positive thing to know.

Because of what that person said to me, I spent the next few years researching, writing, and pondering the current definition of love, what other people think love is, and - more importantly - what I perceived love to be.

I did all of this in the hopes that maybe if I could understand what "true love" is, then I could not only start offering it to the people I love most, but I could also recognize when someone loves me in return...or doesn't.

And so, my first step was to dive nose-deep in dictionary definitions of "love":

Definition #5 is a gatdamned sports reference, so I shoved that aside.

Definition #4 labels "love" as being romantic or sexual, which doesn't apply to the love a parent would have for a child, so that too I shoved aside.

NOTE: I wanted my definition to be something that would apply universally to every loving relationship in my life, not just familial, friendly, or romantic.

Definition #3 is how I feel about cheesecake. Not good enough for human love, me thinks.

And definition #2 is how I feel about psychedelics...also not good enough for human love.

Which left me with definition #1, the only definition on this list that came even remotely close to defining "love" in the relationships for which I'd said it and meant it, but still...I'd experienced so many moments when emotional upheaval suddenly threw even that concept of love out the window.

I'm sure my parents feel deep affection for me, but I'm also sure they've each claimed me "dead to them". How could that be love?

I'm a communicator by nature.

I highly value the fact that humans can create a word to perfectly summarize an intention, feeling, situation, etc.

To me, definitions should help us better understand the words that we use for one one another.

If my outlook on love was governed by definition #1, "an intense feeling of deep affection," then all sorts of negative behavior could be allowed while still claiming you love someone. I've been told it's true that you can love someone and also mistreat them, but isn't it more likely that humans aren't honest about their emotions?

Isn't it more likely that we're bad at loving one another so we justify our misdeeds and then continue to call it love? Isn't it also more likely that definition #1 is ill-defined, and was likely written by someone who had a shallow understanding of love?

I thought back to the person who told me that I didn't know what love is...did they demonstrate what love is?

I do believe you can have an intense feeling of deep affection for someone, but how does that show up in moments of negativity, moments of stress, moments of deep pain? What is love if it disappears when we need it most, when it matters most? And was the definition I sought something different than that person who called me out was able to associate with?

An intense feeling of deep affection doesn't mean you'll treat someone with respect, or dignity, or understanding, especially in difficult moments. If anything, that definition is describing a moment, not a feeling that holds longevity.

And so I rejected the notion that "love" is merely an intense feeling of deep affection. When I say I love someone, I mean that I care about them profoundly - even in moments of hardship. It means that I want the best for them, that I treat them with respect and care, no matter what we're going through.

But when I say I love an object or an idea, say, a sunset, or a warm hug, THAT'S when I feel deep affection in the way that definition #1 details.

So many people claim to "love" someone and then treat that person with the same fleeting regard they might treat a sunset or a hug. They enjoy it while it's there, while it's happening, but if that sunset isn't good enough, or the hug not warm enough, suddenly the emotion flips to disdain or disregard.

Humans are not to be disregarded. Not those whom we love, anyway.

I knew that if I was going to continue this quest it would have to be on the grounds of figuring out what "love" actually means to me, because clearly I must have a different definition than the dictionary, or even most people I meet.

The person who claimed I didn't know what love is wasn't accurate, but they were valid on the grounds that, perhaps, we had different definitions of what love actually is...

Today, I live with a renewed sense of awareness on what love means to me. I can clearly see when someone does or does not love themself, and I can clearly state what I expect in relationships with people who claim to want love with me.

I'm very aware of when I am and am not loving myself, and because that's what I want from the relationships I cultivate, I pay attention to how I'm honoring my own health, happiness, and good fortune (all three of those terms - health, happiness, and good fortune - are blanket statements that incorporate everything from sex, physical wellbeing, purpose, vitality, joy, success, gratitude, and everything in between).

This definition changed my life.

Nowadays, I tend to myself first in order to cultivate as much health, happiness, and good fortune as possible from my day-to-day activities and behaviors.

I do my best not to thrash my vessel, sacrifice my own happiness, or ignore my opportunities for positive growth.

In putting this definition into practice, I went from offering enabler-style toxic love to myself and the people I love most, to providing healthy, stable, "true" love instead.

Sometimes, that means I lose relationships. Even ones I thought would last a lifetime.

And that's ok.

If someone is not able or willing to seek understanding, compassion, and growth with someone they claim to love, then love isn't what they're claiming to have with that person. Perhaps it's force, coercion, loyalty, or determination.

These days, I can tell when someone won't be able to love me in the way I want to experience.

It feels like a psychic awakening in that I can sense, in ways that seem subtle but are actually quite obvious, when someone isn't healthy, happy, or fortunate. Instead of enabling those tendencies like I used to, I call them out. And when that doesn't change anything, I know that sometimes "true love" requires that I take a step back.

At first I feared that I was abandoning people, but when I sat with it and aligned with my definition of love, I realized that it wasn't me doing the abandoning: it was them.

I lost a few friends in the last two years. Individuals I thought would be in my life for the long-haul. But their behavior, their issues, their lack of love for themselves, had them abusing me in the meantime. So I left.

And I struggled with leaving that first friend. I felt like I was abandoning her and our friendship. But had she any sense of what love really is, she wouldn't have been abusive. And she wouldn't have abandoned love and understanding in place of anger and destruction.

Love does not abandon. It seeks to find understanding, connection, a bridge to mend the disconnect. Even - if not especially - in dark times.

The old me would've enabled the shit out of her, turned down my own health and happiness, and remained loyal to our friendship despite all the chaos and pain I endured through it.

But I'm a new person with this knowledge under my belt. I have a clear sense of what love is and chose to care for myself (in caring for ourselves first we're able to properly care for others in return). In doing so, I can love her from afar; and I do.

I no longer enable toxicity.

I no longer fear the loss of someones half-assed, so-called, poor excuse for love.

My job is not to love everyone.

It's to love me and to let that love ripple outwards to attract those who love me back as I love them.

Take a look at how you show up "in love" for yourself and for those around you.

I promise, it'll change how you treat yourself and everyone else in your life.

Are you in love with yourself? Do you make, or are you willing to make, sacrifices to show up for your health, happiness, and good fortune?

If so, congratulations! You're a well-rounded lover who likely provides healthy love to those around you!

But if the answer is anything close to: "ruh-roh," then don't be surprised if you start to notice how you haven't been as loving to others as you thought you were; if you start to understand why the love you've been told you have doesn't feel right; if you start to see how your lack of love for self ripples out to create a lack of love around you.

Before I sign off, I'm gonna leave you with some questions to determine whether or not you are, in fact, loving towards yourself and others.

And if you find that you're not, just remember that change is an inevitable part of life and you're oh so very capable of it.

But you can't get better if you don't know how/where/why you're failing.

"Health" includes your physical well-being, of course, but it also includes your emotions, sex life, mental health, sense of fulfillment, etc.

How healthy are you, really? And do you care about the overall health of your loved ones? Not the enabling kind of care, but the kind that can have honest, deep, meaningful connection and support for their best interest.

"Happiness" includes your emotional contentment, of course, but it also includes your sense of fulfillment, confidence, self-esteem, connection to others, etc.

Are you acknowledging when you aren't happy? Are you acknowledging what makes you happy? And are you aware of when you choose to sacrifice your happiness because of XYZ???

If you're dropping the ball on your own pursuit of happiness, how often are you dropping it for the people you claim to "love"?

"Good Fortune" includes opportunity, of course, but it also includes your right to luck, love, gratitude, and pride.

Do you let yourself take opportunities that come your way? Do you accept that good things come to those who do good unto others? Do you feel gratitude for what you DO have in your life, especially when you ultimately feel in a deficit?

If you don't have the confidence or gratitude to pursue good fortune when it comes your way, then how are you able to encourage and support those you love when good fortune comes to them?

It's ok to not be "on" all the time. My definition states: "a commitment to...", which doesn't mean it's a permanent state of being, so much as a consistent pursuit.

When you drop off from loving yourself, do you come back? Or do you lose your way for an indefinite period of time?

As much as you say you love yourself, or your friends, or your lovers, is that really the case if you haven't seen love for yourself in quite some time? Or are you all in on enabler-mode, casually allowing you and those you love to mistreat each other in misguided pursuits of affection?

True love, to me, genuinely means caring about your full, well-rounded, holistic welfare.

Not just your happiness.

Not just your health.

Not just your good fortune.

And certainly not in a way that safeguards your ego in place of confronting what needs healing so you can live a deep and loving existence.

Let the record show, that I too struggle to love myself on a daily basis.

You won't find perfection here.

Just commitment.